1) Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
2) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
3) I have to stop saying, 'how stupid can you be?'. I think people are starting to take it as a challenge.
4) Men have a basic understanding of complex ideas. Women have a complex understanding of basic ideas.
5) You actually have friends? -Yeah dude, all 10 seasons on DVD.
6) Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Anonymous
7) Jealousy is an illness; get well soon!
8) Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police
9) A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
10) Reality is a hallucination brought on by lack of alcohol.
11) Dear FOOD, either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
12) ..says that my computer beat me at chess..but it was no match for me at kick boxing
13) The best is the enemy of good.
Voltaire
14) Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
Oscar Wilde
15) The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets
16) The bravest thing that men do is love women.
17) Today, I will live in the moment; unless it's unpleasant, in which case I will eat a cookie.
Unknown
18) If you need a friend: call me, if you need a laugh: text me, if you need money: this number is no longer in service
19) I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
20) The sincerest love is the love of food.
George Bernard Shaw
21) I do not know how to spell anymore. I just type the first few letters and then wait for auto correct to do the rest
22) If you wish to avoid seeing a fool, you must break your mirror.
23) Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty
24) All mothers are working mothers.
25) Heights of innocence - a Nun working in a condom factory, believing she is making sleeping bags for mice!
26) The hardest thing in the world to understand is income taxes.
27) The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families
28) Men are only as loyal as their options.
Bill Maher
29) My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
Jimmy Durante
30) Don’t look back, somebody might be gaining on you
31) Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Anonymous
32) If at first you do not succeed, then skydiving is surely not meant for you.
33) A religious is a man who feels repentant on a Sunday, for what he did on Saturday and will do again on Monday.
34) Constant change is here to stay.
Anonymous
35) The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat
36) You don't have to be rich to sparkle.
Unknown
37) It recently became apparent to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are rather close on the keyboard. From now on, I will never end an article with the phrase 'Regards' ever.
38) In the end, it’s not going to matter how many breaths you took, but how many moments took your breath away
39) Strike while your employer has a big contract.
40) How rare and wonderful is that flash of a moment when we realize we have discovered a friend
41) The perfect normal person is rare in our civilization.
42) I don't remember being absent-minded.
43) When the world pushes you to your knees, you are in the perfect position to pray.
44) I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
45) The trouble with children is that they're not returnable.
Quentin Crisp
46) Personally, I don’t think there’s intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
47) One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim
48) You call it betrayal, I call it giving you a taste of your own medicine.
49) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car
Will Rogers
50) Life is an awful, ugly place to not have a best friend
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