1) Work like you don't need money, love like you've never been hurt, and dance like no one's watching - that's the true essence of living, otherwise you're just existing.
2) Men get laid, but women get screwed.
3) I have lost friends, some by dath, others through sheer inability to cross the street
4) I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
5) Look, you're really cute, but I can't understand what you're saying
Finding Nemo
6) The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
Franklin P. Jones.
7) The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Robert Bloch
8) I am fond of children - except boys.
Lewis Carroll
9) Girls are funny creatures. They hate it when you ask their age but will kill you if you forget their birthday.
10) When life gives u lemons, throw them back and demand chocolate!♥
11) I'm pretty sure the whole of 'Ladies first' thing was created by a guy just to check them out from behind.
12) A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments, soccer games, romances, best friends, location of friend's houses, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
13) At the airport customs, if you are asked 'do you have any firearms with you?' never reply, 'what do you need?'
14) I don't care what is written about me as long as it isn't true.
Katherine Hepburn
15) Your friends are the family you get to pick out for yourself.
Unknown
16) The first rule of Hangover Club is: SHHHH.
17) If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
18) I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
Les Dawson
19) You call it lazy, I call it selective participation.
20) Friends are like bras, close to your heart and there for support.
21) Didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
22) I love my six packed abs so much, so I protect it with a layer of fat.
23) What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.
Oscar Levant
24) ...thinks that if your relationship status says 'It's complicated',
you should stop kidding yourself and change it to 'Single'
25) I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield
26) Listen to your heart; although it is on your left, it is always right!
27) Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Jim Carrey
28) People in cars make accidents, accidents in cars make people.
29) One day my prince will come. He just took a wrong turn. Got lost and is too stubborn to ask for directions
30) ..Got her test results back this morning. She was shocked to see that she has been diagnosed with OCD. She rung up the doctors 9 times just to check if they are correct
31) A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Anonymous
32) Money can’t buy happiness but it pays for internet, which is pretty much the same thing.
33) Play with life, laugh with life, dance lightly with life, and smile at the riddles of life, knowing that life's only true lessons are writ small in the margin.
Jonathan Lockwood Huie
34) People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with 'lol' should be shot.
35) I decide when to stop loving you and when not to; it's my prerogative!
36) Any Facebook friend of yours is almost a Facebook friend of mine.
37) I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around with his secretary. If it's somebody else's secretary, fine.
Barry Goldwater
38) Our house is protected by the good lord and a gun; you might meet both if you show up unwelcome!
39) If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
40) I think I got a fever, a fever of you.
41) People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.
Leo J. Burke
42) We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.
William Durant
43) A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.
Milton Berle
44) The easiest way of learning how to dance, is to have a cold shower at midnight and sure you’ll rock like SHAKIRA.
45) Admit it, we all walk a little faster when a white van pulls up near us.
46) The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.
47) When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.
48) Life is short to worry, Forget those who make you worry.
49) I am not saying that I am smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.
Daniel Tosh
50) An egotist is someone who is usually me - deep in conversation.
Anonymous
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