1) How does it feel to know that you're everything I need?
2) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
3) Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected.
4) Why is the place you drive on is a parkway, and the place you park on is the driveway?
5) Women need a reason to have sex - men just need a place.
6) I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die!
7) I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette
8) The best way to mend a broken heart is time and girlfriends
9) One’s friends are that part of the human race with which one can be human
10) Life is full of disappointments, and I'm full of life!
11) Used to be a werewolf. But I am all right nnnnnooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!
12) Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. - Anonymous
13) Life was so much easier when your clothes didn't match and boys had cooties.
14) Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up
children; now I have six children and no theories
John Wilmot
15) We are all either fools or undiscovered geniuses.
Bonnie Lin
16) ... is walking through the intensive care unit dressed as the grim reaper.
17) You love your family no matter what. Even if you're trying to watch TV and they decide to have a shouting match in the same room, at that very time. You love them!
Unknown
18) Newton’s law of love is: Love can neither be created nor be destroyed. Only it can transfer from one girlfriend to another with some loss of money.
19) It's amazing how guys take care of their Jordan's, but can't take care of a woman.
20) All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand!
Joe R. Lansdale
21) Giving money and power to the Government is like giving alcohol and car keys to teenagers
22) Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done.
23) Life is like an onion: You peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
24) If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either.
Dick Cavett
25) Experience is the sinking feeling you have made this mistake before.
26) Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Anonymous
27) Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
28) No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
29) I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
30) Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate.
Mark Twain
31) They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
George W. Bush
32) Good friends are good for your health
33) I love the sound of the people I love, laughing.
Unknown
34) Knows that the voices in my head may not be real, but hey... they have some good ideas!
35) That awkward moment when you're in a heated argument and you say, 'AND ANOTHER THING' then your mind goes blank.
36) Where there's a will, there's a way.And where there's a way, then there's usually a stop sign somewhere along the road
37) No one is listening until you fart.
38) Doesn't care if he is going to hell because at least it will be warm there and he'll know people.
39) The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn’t exist
40) ...feels like getting some work done. So she is sitting down till the feeling passes
41) One place where you can pretend to have a lot of friends
Facebook.
42) You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
43) Be curious, not judgemental.
Walt Whitman
44) Misfortune shows those who are not real friends.
45) Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet. For those of you not good with math... that's a 12-pack of 125 calorie beers. You're welcome.
46) Smile. Have you ever noticed how easily puppies make human friends? Yet all they do is wag their tails and fall over.
Walter Anderson
47) Friends are God’s ways of apologizing for our families
48) Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
49) I hate weddings. Old people would poke me saying 'You're next'. They stopped when I started going up to them at funerals and poking them, saying, 'You're next'.
50) Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have on something they don't need.
Will Rogers
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