1) Friendship is like money, easier made than kept!
2) Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
3) You can do anything, but not everything.
David Allen
4) Never underestimate the power of weirdness. It can get you far in life.
5) I wish mirrors and pictures would get together and agree on what I really look like.
6) Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read
7) Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong
8) First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
Steve Martin
9) Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.
John Peers.
10) If at first you don't succeed, you'll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn't succeed either.
11) A friend may be waiting behind a stranger’s face
12) If there were no God, it would have been necessary to invent him.
Voltaire
13) A wife is a friend first, a lover second, and third and probably most important, a maid
14) Life is so constructed that an event does not, cannot, will not, match the expectation.
15) To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first. And, whatever you hit, call it the target.
Ashleigh Brilliant
16) If you are going through hell, keep going.
Winston Churchill
17) Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
18) I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
19) An apple a day, keeps the doctor away-but if the doctor is cute, just forget about the fruit.
20) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Author Unknown
21) A smile confuses an approaching frown.
Anonymous
22) Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you have to do is stand and say 'Hi my name is Ralph and I am an alcoholic'
23) ...is wondering where Noah kept the woodpecker on his ark
24) A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths
Steven Wright
25) If you must be taken for a ride....may as well be in a nice car
26) The person who reads too much and uses his brain too little will fall into lazy habits of thinking.
Albert Einstein
27) While waiting for the right person, have fun with the wrong one.
28) A babysitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
Anonymous
29) Ambition is the willingness to kill the things you love and eat them to stay alive.
30) Good morning... I see the assassins have failed.
31) If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands?
Milton Berle
32) ..is dead. Yet here you are reading her update. What does that make you?
33) I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be 'Nobody' so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it. And it will say 'Nobody Likes This'.
34) Today is the last day of some of your life.
35) I hate when people all of a sudden decide to be funny when I am drinking something.
36) It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.
37) The bird a nest, the spider a web, man friendship
38) Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
39) There are a lot of fishes in the sea, but I think there’s a hole in my net.
40) How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell ‘BINGO!’
41) God loves me even when I don't forward those chain letters.
42) A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing. A rabbit thought of doing the same thing on the ground. A wolf came and ate it. MORAL ~ to sit and do nothing, you need to be on the top.
43) You have 10 fish. 5 drown, 3 come back to life. How many fish do you have?..... Stop counting smart one. Fish can't Drown.
44) Please God, if you can’t make me slim just make my friends FAT.
45) I look at people sometimes and thing: “Really? That’s the sperm that won!”
46) The winner of the rat race is still a rat
47) If someone throws a stone at you throw back a flower but make sure that it is still in its pot
48) Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW.
49) Once I loved until I could not breathe.
50) Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.
Rodney Dangerfield
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