1) Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns
2) The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
3) How to please a woman? Love her, die for her, take her to dinner, miss the football for her, buy her jewellery, be interested in what she has to say.. How to please a man? Show up naked, bring beer.
4) Life… is like a grapefruit. It’s orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast.
5) Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life
6) He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.
7) If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.
Unknown
8) A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one.
9) If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
10) A smile is the best makeup any girl can wear.
Unknown
11) If you don't understand how a woman could both love her sister dearly and want to wring her neck at the same time, then you were probably an only child.
Linda Sunshine
12) When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun'
13) No one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
Unknown
14) The four most important words in any marriage...I'll do the dishes.
Anonymous
15) Age is just a number. It's totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.
Joan Collins
16) Approximately 10 drinks ago I had a bunch of problems, but now I'm amazing and can sing really well!
17) The antidote for fifty enemies is one friend
18) Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
19) Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
20) There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
21) I used to like my neighbors, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi.
22) The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
23) During Hug: A girl's head is always down because she considers her boy to be her world n gets lost in it... While... A boy's head is always up so that no other guy dares to look at his girl..
24) A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
25) When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
26) All work and no play, will make you a manager.
27) Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too.
Woody Allen
28) Start every day with a smile and get it over with.
W.C. Fields
29) Not all chemicals are bad. Without hydrogen or oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
30) The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing!, say most guys.
31) Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
32) I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
33) A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
George Carlin
34) If life doesn't go Right... Then... go Left!!
35) ... is searching for the love of his life: can I get them through those mailing services?
36) I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. - W. C. Fields
37) Constipated People Don't Give a crap.
Anonymous
38) Not only do I don't know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it even if I did
39) Top Tip of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked, 'do you have any firearms with you?'. Do not reply, 'what do you need?'.
40) Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.
Steve Martin
41) Most of us don’t need a psychiatric therapist as much as a friend to be silly with
42) We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?
Jean Cocturan
43) If you wish to make a man your enemy, tell him simply, You are wrong. This method works every time.
Henry Link
44) There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
45) You fall out of your mother’s womb, you crawl across open country under fire, and drop into your grave.
46) Love is blind. Friendship tries not to notice
47) Behind every good man there is a good woman and behind that another man looking at her ass
48) Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
49) Nobody believes the official spokesman, but everybody trusts an unidentified source.
Ron Nesen
50) I want to be a panda because pandas are the least racist animals because they are black, white, and Asian.
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