1) Boyfriend: Do you think my salary is sufficient for you? Funny Girlfriend: It is sufficient for me, but how will you survive?
2) He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
3) If time does not wait for you, don’t worry. Just remove the battery from the clock and enjoy life.
4) I have a simple philosophy: Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.
5) Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
Mark Twain
6) I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.
7) May your life be like toilet paper... Long and useful.
8) Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
9) You just gotta smile in her direction. Works every time!
10) Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
Dave Barry
11) After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist said to me, 'Maybe life isn't for everyone.
12) I got a lotta best friends. Some o’ them I don’t even hardly know.
13) All the things I really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening.
Alexander Woollcott
14) ..Does not suffer from insanity. She enjoys every minute of it.
15) I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner
16) Roses are red, violetets are blue...You are always on my head cuz i love you... I hope you are dead cuz i hate you....These tears I shed are not worth you.
17) "I am not like most girls", say most girls.
18) When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
George Burns
19) Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, you’ll be right.
20) I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
21) Do you know what makes me smile? Facial muscles
22) Statistically speaking, around 165% of people exaggerate.
23) I can resist everything except temptation.
Oscar Wilde
24) World Population Rank:
1. China 2. India 3. Facebook
4. USA 5. MySpace 6. Indonesia
7. Brazil 8. Twitter.
25) Never call a man a fool - just take his money.
26) Could crop circles be the misdoings of a cereal killer?
27) They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
28) You better live every day like it's your last day, because one day you're going to be right.
Ray Charles
29) 5 things I can't stand...
1) Racists 2) Bad spellers 3) Math 4) Stupid people!
30) Why can't chickens cross the road without their motives being questioned?
31) Dear YouTube, please just assume that I'd like to 'skip ad'. You don't need to ask anymore.
32) The most I can do for my friend is simply be his friend
33) Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.
Anonymous
34) When I was a kid, the Dead Sea was only sick...
35) The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
36) Statistically speaking, 8/6 people have trouble computing fractions.
37) I have a mind like a steel trap. Stuff gets in there and WHAM! It never gets back out again.
Will Rogers
38) If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.
Alan King
39) The richest man is not he who has the most, but he who needs the least.
40) No, I don't have a solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
Ashleigh Brilliant
41) ..... is proud of himself. He just finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months, and the box said 2 - 4 years.
42) Since it's the thought that counts, I'll just keep on thinking about doing exercise.
43) If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
44) Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
45) A true friend reaches for your hand and touches your heart
46) My wife said I'm too immature, and if I don't grow up it is going to erect a barrier between us. Ha ha ha ha, erect.
47) Do not listen to those who weep and complain, for their disease is contagious.
Og Mandino
48) A man is not paid for having a head and hands, but for using them.
Elbert Hubbard
49) Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
Maryon Pearson
50) What do you do when things go wrong? Oh! You sing a song!
Snow White
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