1) Start off every day with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. Fields
2) It takes a long time to grow an old friend
John Leonard
3) Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, Where have I gone wrong? Then a voice says to me, This is going to take more than one night.
4) Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.
Oscar Wilde
5) When science finally locates the center of the universe, some people will be surprised to learn they're not it.
Bernard Bailey
6) Animals are my friends…and I don’t eat my friends
7) Of course we can still be friends. As long as I never have to hear from you, see you or talk to you again
8) If you have one true friend, you have more than your share.
Thomas Fuller
9) To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.
Bertrand Russell
10) All my life I thought air was free, untl I bought a bag of chips.
11) Facebook is the only place where it's acceptable to talk to a wall.
12) Mirrors can't talk. Luckily for you, they can't laugh either.
Jane Wagner
13) If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
Mark Twain
14) I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Steven Wright
15) I read somewhere that when someone is about to quote a bogus fact or statistic that they preface it by saying, 'I read somewhere.
16) Things turn out best for those who make the best of the way things turn out.
17) If you want the rainbow, put up with the rain.
Unknown
18) Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.- Mark Twain
19) I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
Les Dawson
20) When you have a good imagination, you can make up all the facts you want!
21) Girls work on their looks but not their minds because they know boys are stupid, not blind.
22) I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she's been giving me lately
23) The best machine to impress a beautiful girl can never any of those GYM machines. Instead, try ATM.
24) I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
25) People intend to forget MISTAKES that they made... but they never miss opportunity to point out others MISTAKE
26) Dear Google, please stop behaving like a GIRL. Will you please allow me to complete the whole sentence before you start guessing & suggesting?
27) I woke up on the wrong side of Facebook this morning.
28) Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs.
Christopher Hampton
29) Doing a hair flip and then your hair gets stuck in your lip gloss!
30) I feel this coffee is tall, dark and strong; just like me if I worked out, I mean.
31) It’s possible; you can never know that the universe exists only for me. If so, it’s sure going well for me, I must admit.
32) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
Steven Wright
33) Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Anonymous
34) You'll be richer in the end than a prince, if you're a friend.
Edgar A
35) I have great faith in fools – my friends call it self-confidence
36) Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
Joey Adams
37) I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile-i tried but they wanted CASH.
38) Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
39) It is the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected
40) Hard work never kills you - it just keeps you away from Facebook!
41) Courage is not the absence of fear; it's just the realization that something else is more important than fear.
42) Bigamy: One wife too many. Monogamy: Same thing.
43) The heart has reasons that reason does not understand.
Jacques-Bénigne Bossuet
44) The essence of true friendship is to make allowance for another’s little lapses
45) Be nice to the people who smoke. Every cigarette may be their last.
46) My life has been filled with terrible misfortune; most of which never happened.
Montaigne
47) Alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is 'What is C2H5OH?'.
48) The only true love is love at first sight; second sight dispels it.
Israel Zangwill
49) The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Lucille Ball
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